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Wednesday, August 3, 2011

My terrible, horrible, no good, very bad night.....

So, I just had one of the worst nights of my life. I would say it ranks in the top 5 worse nights of my life somewhere between the night I lost my virginity and that time I played the part of William Gacy in what was supposed to be a Sunday school play at a local church. Wish someone had given me prior instructions to each of the above listed activities that way I could have avoided that restraining order and the over abundance of scar tissue on my wrists from excessive rug burn....

So onto my story of last night.

My wife, a crazy coupon type lady, picked up some of those extreme 2 hour Crest white strips for a fraction of the normal retail price and we decided to try them out last night. So she applied hers while I was putting the kids to bed, and then I applied mine. 2 hours later she removes hers and I decide to remove mine too because their driving me crazy. Instantly I can tell that things are wrong. I dont normally have sensitive teeth, but as soon as I pulled those bad boys off my teeth felt like I was biting into a really cold popsicle. They hurt. So I brushed them with the special tooth paste and got in bed. I told my wife that my teeth were hurting and then we made love for the next 2~3 minutes (might have set a PR!) and then rolled over to go to sleep. The pain in my teeth had increased substantially and I tossed and turned for 30~45 minutes before falling asleep, which isnt normal for me as I normally pass out as Im crawling into bed. At this point its about 11:15 or so, which is late for me. I wake up in tears at 11:52 due to the intense pain coming from my mouth. It feels as if someone is sawing my teeth with razor blades very slowly. So I go to the kitchen in search if some type of extreme pain killer (think Heath Leger style here) and some Oragel.

Fast forward through a bottle of water and a handfull of assorted Tylenol, Asprin, Exedrin, and Aleeve and Im back in bed tossing and turning still in agonizing pain. Its now about 1 in the morning and my alarm is set to go off in 3 hours and Im running on only 40ish minutes of sleep.

1:40 now, still dying of pain and debating on going to the hospital. Desperate for a solution I start google searching and discover that the numbing agent in Oragel is "Benzocaine" which is also conviently the numbing agent in "Anal-Ease" which we just so happened to own a tube (my wife uses it to numb her eyebrows when she goes to wax them, nothing provacative here....)

So I grab the tube of Anal-Ease, squirt some on my finger, and go to town rubbing it all over my gums. WOW! Instantly my entire mouth was completely numb and I had Anal-Ease and drool dribbling down my chin. Numb and satisfied I lay back down in bed, only to discover that the amazing numbing powers of Anal-Ease is not a long lasting effect, but rather short lived. So now Im applying Anal-Ease to my gums every 5~10 minutes just so I can tolerate being awake. The time is now around 2:30.

Back to google I go in search of a better, longer lasting, less strange resolution. I read that raw garlic cloves have some type of anesthetic in it that works good for the nerves in the teeth. So I make the journey to the kitchen again and find that we do have some garlic by the banannas. YES!!! So I break a clove off, break it in half, and start rubbing violently against my teeth and gums. Three amazing things took place! First, the Anal-Ease induced drool looked silly compared to the gushing river of drool that was now literally pouring from my mouth in a steady stream and running down my hand and arm and chin and forming large saliva puddles in the kitchen sink. Second, the painfull razor blade in the teeth sensation was slowly starting to dissipate little by little. Lastly, that damn vampire that had been following me from the shadows for the past 2 weeks finally left me alone!

So its now 3:15. Im in much less pain than before, Im still looking like my mouth is the newest addition to the Niagra Falls, and Im getting delirious from the lack of sleep and the large quantity of pain killers (all OTC stuff by the way, were randomly drug tested at work often) So I journey back to the bedroom and get back in bed and lay there for a good 15 minutes before finally falling asleep for 30 minutes before my alarm goes off....

Waking up covered in drool with the combination of Anal-Ease and raw Garlic stuck in your teeth is never a good place to be, add the fact that your still covered in sticky drool and your mouth is still hurting like a somebeech and its a very bad place to be. So on the way to work this morning I stop by the Walmart and buy some "Severe Pain Formula Orajel" and start applying it like crazy. Much better than Anal-Ease, and I probablly wont get the funny questions from my wife when she sees this on the bedside table instead of a tube of Anal-Ease...

Long story, but theres a lesson to be learned from it! Im not sure what that lesson is exactly, I just know that I need to eat something because Im feeling very queasy and weak, and I still have a very strong hint of garlic and cherry flavored sexual numbing solution in my mouth.
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